Humans are generally social creatures, but I am a human that is uncomfortable around people. I am a Martial Arts instructor that dislikes fighting and violence. I enjoy playing music, which is a wonderful form of communication, yet I cannot perform in front of others.
Like most people I am a confusing mass of contradictions. I do not like the idea of being alone, yet I enjoy my solitude. Being connected at arms’ length seems to be my style. I come across to my students as a really bad ass. In reality I’m a pussy cat, as meek and mild as anyone you could ever meet. I am very opinionated, yet I have a great deal of empathy. I am judgmental, yet I believe in the tenant of live and let live and will defend a person’s right to their choices, provided they don’t hurt others.
In someways, it is like being schizophrenic, two different persons rolled into one. But unlike a schizophrenic person, I am aware of my dualities. I am aware that I teach ways of fighting, but that I also preach that my students should avoid a fight at almost all costs. I am aware that I like being left to myself and my own devices, but that at times I would enjoy company. I am aware that I think some person’s clothing or musical choices are stupid, but that I follow that thought with the thought, ‘Whatever floats their boat.’ All at once I fight my duality and embrace it.
Some might say I am not being true to myself. That by not expressing my feelings or living up to them, I am hiding or cowardly or at least not being my true self. But I believe it is possible to enjoy the sciences of Martial Arts while not enjoying the violent nature of them. That I can enjoy the feeling of security they provide while recognizing that your brain is your best weapon in avoiding the need to resort to violent techniques. I believe it is possible to have preferences while accepting that others have their own taste. I believe it is possible to enjoy solitude while enjoying some form of connection with other people. I guess everything has its limit, and each person’s limits are unique.
I am a confusing mass of contradictions, but I am aware of that. In the end, I am what I am.